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Celebrity Quotes   "I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'" --Larry Miller "What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?" --Marilyn Pittman "When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" --Robin Williams "A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad." --Christopher Case "Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Attunga "My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "--Paula Poundstone "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'" --Conan O'Brien "Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three bestfriends. If they're okay, then it's you." --Rita Mae Brown "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld "The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry Seinfeld "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni "If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez "Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin "Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but toaccept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson "I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." --Jeff Stilson "I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking upsomething else." --Lily Tomlin "Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Marsha Warfield "Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" --George Carlin "You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today, and we don't know where the hell she is." --Ellen DeGeneres "I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." --Rita Rudner "I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead." --Sue Kolinsky "I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." --Carol Leifer "I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." --Ed Bluestone "The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it." --Jackie Gleason "I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'" --Jay Leno "The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise." --Roger Simon "I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." --Dave Edison "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." --George Gobel "Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents." --William Coronel "Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde "I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." --A. Whitney Brown "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry "Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress..... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." --Jim Carrey